thats all it takes in order for me to sit and simmer and think about all of the things i do wrong, or all of the things i wish i could change about myself. one sentence is all it takes for me to question…everything.
and then. as if its not bad enough to think about all of the things i wish i didnt think about. i proceed to get mad at myself for acting this way…again…and add to my list of things i dislike about who i am.
so…a while back i applied for this position at my work. i was nervous. the interview was a little less than terrible. it was basically a lecture on how it would really “be a wise decision to get an education”. a ba in anything…so that i could get a job. awesome. i walked away feeling belittled and really quite blue. so…it was quite shocking to hear from my boss that she wanted to have a meeting with me to discuss the reservation specialist position.
this meeting was yesterday.
my first day as the reservation specialist is february 1st.
in 2 months at fuller i got a raise.
and in 4 more i got a higher position.
god is so good.
more so than i give him credit for.
with all of the craziness going on right now…and decisions i am being faced with…there is a light at the end of the provision tunnel.
im super excited to step out and try something new. have more responsiblity. and care about what im doing. and im also…terrified.
ive lived my life in a dont try dont fail kind of way for far too long.
so this is it…its time to actually live like im capable of doing something.
today has been an odd day. work has been pretty busy and people have been kind of…well…huge…grumps. but…somewhere in this busy sea of grumps…im finding that my mind is easing from thought to thought…and my spirits are high. what is it about the 1st of january? its amazing that one day can make you change your mind. a new slate. a new year. but really…the old you is still there. and for once…im ok with that. 2010 had some low points for sure…but i feel like im leaving it behind…stronger…and less…afraid.
so. in the spirit of new years and self improvement…
a list…of some wee little goals im setting.
wash my face. uh huh. im aware that i aint no spring chicken. my mom purchased me some face wash and moisturiser and eye cream for christmas. i have to admit…im pretty stoked on it! i wanna take better care of my skin. might sound weird…but cheers to hygiene improvement!
actually use my gym membership. i will no longer be paying the gym for nothing. i may have lost my gym buddy…but to keep up with this less afraid business…ill be gymming it alone. kickboxing and i will be having a sweet love affair 3 days a week…come monday. tomorrow. gulp.
home cookin. looking at my bank statements and realizing how much cash money goes to local fast food chains…is really sad. katie…meet henrys market. be good to each other.
bible time. read more. getintoit.
be kind. this kind of a applies to a lot of places in my life. be kinder to others. be kinder to my mother. be kinder to myself. my mind is pretty vicious. i may not vocalize most of the things i think (thankthelordalmighty) but thinking it is just as destructive.
create. create. create. whatever it may be. write more music. paint more. doodle often. put my sewing machine to good use.
fight the fear. i guess this is kind of a blanket one. those who know me know that i am just purely uncomfortable…all the time. socially awkward to the max…and generally talk down anything i do. (im not saying its good. im just saying its there). i just want to be more comfortable in my own skin this year. be more proud of the things i make…and less afraid to share them. no more talking myself out of the things i love. no more dooming everything to fail before it starts. no more comparing myself with others. im taking steps in this direction. and i just hope that i continue growing in 2011.
so. dear 2010…you were kind of a biz…but i appreciate what you have done for me. dear 2011…lets do this. i know you have some awesome things in store for, not only me, but the ones i love as well. cheers.